The Balance Between Personal Growth and Self Acceptance
There has always been this debate about the balance between personal growth and acceptance. This debate has been highlighted by the infamous Serenity prayer in which we are supposed to seek God’s knowledge to help guide is in finding this delicate balance.
The issue is this: how do we know when we should push ourselves to grow, versus when we should stop struggling and fighting and simply gain some acceptance?
If you study recovery and self help literature in general you will find two conflicting viewpoints regarding this. On the one hand, you will see advice that you should push yourself to grow at all costs. On the other hand, you will see advice that acceptance of yourself is the key and you will be happier if you can just learn to accept yourself.
So how do we know which route to go?
Different programs have different emphasis
I believe that the 12 step program has a balance between the two but generally falls on the side of acceptance over personal growth. Even though the 12 steps have some definite direction as far as personal growth is concerned, the overall message you hear in the fellowship falls more on the side of acceptance. People are constantly quoting the Big Book where it says “And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today…..” and so on.
There are also a number of self-help books and philosophies that lean towards acceptance. This is not necessarily bad or good…just what is.
On the other hand, the Creative Theory of recovery tends to lean towards the personal growth side of things. The theory holds that personal growth is more important than self acceptance and in fact is the whole key to overcoming complacency in long term recovery. Overcoming drug and alcohol addiction are seen as a lifelong journey of learning and continuous growth.
One example that instantly comes to mind is a friend of mine in recovery who regularly struggles with his life and all of his problems. He definitely leans towards the self acceptance side of things and even goes so far as to use acceptance as an excuse for laziness. What he really needs is to get motivated and take some real action in his life and start making progress towards his goals. Instead, he preaches acceptance and cannot understand how this is sabotaging his own efforts.
In the end it is all up to your personal philosophy but if you lean towards the acceptance side of things you should be especially cautious of becoming too complacent in recovery. If on the other hand, you are driven to personal growth on a regular basis then make sure that you do not become too critical of yourself.
Sometimes you just have to throw down the do it yourself wedding invitations and throw your hands up in the air! It’s gonna be alright.
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One of the best ways for finding this critical balance between growth and acceptance is with the guidance of a recovery coach…..
(infamous |ˈinfəməs|
adjective
well known for some bad quality or deed : an infamous war criminal.
• wicked; abominable : the medical council disqualified him for infamous misconduct.
Did you mean infamous when you described the serenity prayer? )
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Acceptance to me means embracing all of me. That includes accepting my dark side rather than concealing it or pushing it away with numbing substances or behaviors. It is movement toward wholeness. It’s about being “good-enough” warts and all. To give up is not an act of self-acceptance. It is a sign of depression and hopelessness. It’s about not feeling accepted or included.
You might give your friend these two books:
Tara Brach’s “Radical Acceptance”
Martin Seligman’s “Learned Optimism”
To be able to talk about the taste of chocolate one should have eaten it before.
I believe that self acceptance is not an intellectual understanding like “I accept myself) it is more like growing in maturity and going through life trusting oneself, doing and accepting the responsibility and the enjoyment of whatever comes back.
Treating an addiction is a lifelong journey of treating a disease like diabetes.
I do not believe it is about learning anything but creating character and maturing.
Carlos